love

For Mothers Raising Sons…

Posted on by lesleylekili

I am a mother. I have a 4 year old son. I’ve also been a wife. I’ve been a girlfriend. I’ve been a love interest. I’ve been a lover. How do all these things tie in to each other? They are all related because my experience in each role has taught me about the correlation between a man’s relationship with his mother and the way he demonstrates affection to his female love interest. (I specify male-female interaction because I am not in a position to speak to whether a similar correlation exists where gay couples are concerned, but it certainly interests me, so if any of you can lend any insight please feel free to comment below!)

I have been romantically involved with males who are very openly affectionate, those who are ridiculously stoic, and those who fall somewhere in-between those two extremes. For each of those men I was privileged enough to enjoy in depth conversations about the mother-son relationships that existed during childhood through to adulthood, as well as to witness firsthand their interactions.  My study size is not huge, and of course there are other variables such as whether the individual grew up in a 2-parent home where affection was freely demonstrated, societal influences, etc, but I think I can safely state that one factor influencing how a male will interact with a female he is involved with romantically is largely dependent on the manner in which affection was communicated to him by his mother.

My most affectionate partners in the past all demonstrated very close, friendly and loving relationships with their mothers. It often felt like I was watching two lifelong friends, so caught up in each other yet open to welcoming others (read: me) but with the understanding that nothing can ever approximate the closeness of the bond shared.

By stark contrast, my involvement with those who would rather chew nails than whisper sweet nothings, they all had very stilted, almost awkward interactions with their mothers. Don’t misunderstand me, their love and loyalty for each other was obvious, but there was no affection. What interests me about this type of male though, is how accepting they were to my shows of affection, and how they would eventually be willing to reciprocate.

Behaviour is learnt, so if our boys are not taught the full range of acceptable ways to demonstrate one’s love (or even like) for another individual then how can they as men be expected to know? As I mentioned briefly, one way this “information” can be passed on is in setting of a two parent home where love and affection are openly and appropriately demonstrated between parent-parent and parents-child. Another hugely important way though, is for mothers to demonstrate love for their sons, even past the cute diaper-wearing stage. Hug him. Kiss him. Say ‘I love you’ until he pretends to be sick of it. Talk to him, make him comfortable enough to talk to you about anything without having to be coerced. Tell him when he fills you with pride. Tell him when he has disappointed you and why. But follow that up with, ‘I love you.’ Don’t stop doing it when he is five. Or fifteen. Or even 25.

It is as important for men to be in touch with their emotions as it is for women. Experiencing conflicting feelings or emotions and/or not being able to express them well can be very frustrating. Needless to say, having these experiences in the context of a romantic relationship will no doubt lead to confusion, anger and eventually destruction of said relationship, usually in a very insidious manner. It is no secret that men are generally expected to be macho, uncrying, unfeeling individuals. This is passed down through generations of males. This is why I think it is important for mothers who can to teach their sons how to acknowledge their feelings and emotions as well as how to appropriately and effectively manage them.

I am proud to say that my 4 year old is affectionate. He will hug me, kiss me and tell me he loves me without any coercion. I will try to nurture that quality in him the best way I know how, in the hopes that he will grow into a man who will treat his partner with love, respect and devotion.

What are your thoughts on this? Leave a comment below, I would love to hear from you!